Is the relationship worthy of you?
The Yes Test is the gold standard of relationship litmus tests.
I recently had dinner with a friend I hadn’t spoken to in some time.
She had been in a relationship for about a year and couldn’t tell if the relationship was no longer right for her, or if the initial attraction had just worn off and things were beginning to settle in.
I shared with her one of the simplest yet most profound bits of Vedic wisdom I’ve picked up over the years, which helped me tremendously a few years ago.
The Yes Test.
Quite simply, The Yes Test is a litmus test of the extent to which one is able to willingly sacrifice one’s preferences for the sake of shared experience, and for the continued well-being of the relationship itself.
Early in a relationship, especially during the honeymoon phase, it’s easy to watch movies we wouldn’t otherwise be interested in, enjoy activities that wouldn’t normally appeal to us, and otherwise sacrifice our time, energy, sleep, and other preferences for the benefit of the shared experience with that exciting new person.
As the relationship goes on, we may find ourselves starting to grumble about these little sacrifices, or even discontinue making them.
Sacrifice is the fabric of any relationship, and all relationships (including friendships, family relationships, business relationships, etc.) require the ongoing sacrifice of preferences.
The sacrifice is not for the other person—it’s for relationship. 1+1=3, and the third thing is the relationship, which is a separate entity with its own consciousness. Like anything sentient, it requires nurture, care and feeding.
We sacrifice our own preferences in the interest of creating and enjoying unity with another, because innately, we know high-quality unity is more rewarding in and of itself than getting our way every time—and if it isn’t—if we’d rather be alone, eating that food they hate or watching those movies they refuse to watch, then we’re truly better off alone at that time, until we find someone who passes the test.
When we find ourselves no longer willing to make these sacrifices, no matter how big or small, it’s time to reconsider how worthwhile the relationship is to us.
The Yes Test applies to both parties in a relationship. It can’t be that only one person is the sole sacrificer of preferences—that would mean the relationship is only worthwhile to one person and not the other.
My friend considered all of this, with a somewhat troubled look on her face.
About a month later, I saw her for dinner again, and she informed me she had ended the relationship because her partner blew up at her for misplacing his keys. In other words, he was not willing to sacrifice his preference for relaxing comfortably inside his apartment that day in order to sustain their relationship.
The Yes Test is a helpful way to determine how much we value our relationships, but also applies to friends, family members, employers, business partners, or any form of relationship.
Let’s discuss these and other ideas in Collective Effervescence, our online group meditation series, at its new time(!) this Sunday June 25 at 9am LA / 12pm MIA / 6pm EU. Drop in for meditation only (first 30 min) or stay for discussion + Q&A on this and other life topics from the Vedic perspective.
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